it still hurts...

hate it wen it struck mi al over again.....sumtimes u feel lk u made it through bt it jz hits u bk.....y is standin' up on 2 feet so difficult?wish im like JLO gettin' & movin' on faster than expected....gosh...it gets very tirin'....it sux!!argh!!!!!!reli feel lk goin' overseas nw....argh!!!!!2pid mi...2pid brain & most imptly 2pid heart which stil feels shit.......its comin' 2 1mth n yet im stil feelin' suckie....n more suckier each time e day paz by..august is gettin' near...owaez luk 4ward 2 it bt tiz iz e 1st time whr i feel lk i dun1 2 go throu august or perhaps lets august paz by faster lk a flash....haiz....sukier & Sukier!!!!!

it ended in June.... :'(

aftral tt we been thru he finali made his mind and told me tt i shld enjoy mi life 4 nw....wen i asked him whether wt he wants..start afresh?time off or break up?he rplied tt..n wen i asked isit a breakup he said he didnt said tt...n e nxt thing i knew i was left hangin' in e fb status of rship...which is 'in a rship' oni....*ouch!* i jz got shot w/o a bullet vest..haiz.....it's been 2 wks nw since we last met....e best part to hurt even more is wen he asked e galz 4 advised n 1 of 'em told him 'wt 4 continue a rship wen thr's no love?' he said he luv mi stil n told u he din luv mi...so tiz u gotta put it in ur fuckin' head!!!do u even noe hw much we wen thru al tiz while even thou feelinz fade??u were e cause of it in e 1st plc...if u didnt even cum in2 our life n asked 4 his help al tiz wldnt hv hapen....argh!!!!!!!!worst stil, i so didn't xpect it 2 hear frm you....seriously....instead of makin' things beta you juz made it even worst bitch...n e bez part is negative advises played a part....u r oni 22,mind still nt matured n yet u speak lk u r sum matured bitch....so much 4 e hapi endin' ya...n u jz made mi dae worst AGAIN!!*thks bitch* askin' mi whether im ok?oni a bitch lk u wld feel ok aftr a break up!!gosh!!!!im nt lk u hu can date 1 guy aftr another...so dun ask a 2pid Q whether m i ok n ure shocked tt we broke up ya....

n 'u' on e other hand....i dun gt it...y did u asked mi 4 a chance wen u dun even intend 2 fight 4 it?u said i shld fight bt nw u din...u gave up on mi...do u noe it sux....do u noe im trying my very best 2 4gt u bt i duno y tiz 2pid brain jz cnt...n tiz eyes kipz havin' teary waterfal which runs dwn e cheek??y did u say it aint a break up wen i asked u bt ppl kip askin' mi eh wen did u break up?hw can u tel mi it aint a break up bt u tel 'em it is????y do u hv  2 do tiz 2 mi wen u dun even 1 tiz???y???y??y????we were suppoz 2 celebrate our 2yrs anni n tiz hapen....i wish im a superfox which can just simply 4gt u lk hw u 4gt mi??i dun hv e heart 2 do evrythin' tt u did....didnt u promized mi tt ure gona fight 4 mi?????

i tot i moved on jz fined bt i was wrong....smsed u n tel u hw much i missed u bt u jz simply ignored mi..n wen i dun, u'd sms mi n say hope im doin' ok....wt r u tryin' 2 do?its easy....u hv a choice which i gave...bt y u made it worst?y?

I reli wished tt im able 2 gt a job out of sg so i can start a new life since there's nomore reason 4 mi 2 stay here....it was u hu made mi feel lk i shld continue wit life bt nw itz u hu made me feel life is nutin...itz beta 2 b dead then feel tiz crappy shitty feelin'.....u too showed mi wt luv is bt nw u too showed me thr's no such thing called luv......

i may looked strong on e outside bt truth is im dyin' inside....im so tired of actin' s if there's nutin wrong wit mi....

portdickson trip finali arrived....

e day ive been waitin' 4 have arrived......im cluelez....im nt sure wt mi mind is tinkin'.....im s confused s b4........i duno by his reactions is he 4 real or is it jz another rebound&fun tinngy.......haiz....its a holidae bt mi mind isnt @ ease &sumhw cnt b @ ease even though i tried so badly......haiz.............shld i blieve tt tiz time his 4 real abt tiz rship?i wish i hv a clue.....
I wish i hv an answr soon.....gdnite world...

portdickson trip finali arrived....

e day ive been waitin' 4 have arrived......im cluelez....im nt sure wt mi mind is tinkin'.....im s confused s b4........i duno by his reactions is he 4 real or is it jz another rebound&fun tinngy.......haiz....its a holidae bt mi mind isnt @ ease &sumhw cnt b @ ease even though i tried so badly......haiz.............shld i blieve tt tiz time his 4 real abt tiz rship?i wish i hv a clue.....
I wish i hv an answr soon.....gdnite world...

blieve in gut feelin' or let it slip....

s usual another shitty weekend....

already yesterday i felt horrible @ nite b4 we part n nw again feelin' shitty s eva...wen u sang those songs i c thru u tt ure hurtin' inside coz she's nw in luv wit sum1 else nt u..n its e same old shit of y she left u in e pass...im nt sure if im over reactin' bt i jz wana noe wts in ur mind n heart....seriously........

n tiz mrg.....rec'd sms frm him...he told mi tt his out wit his homies..so i tot ok so his out n ltr found out he left abt 5 or 6pm duno 2 whr....n e bez part ppl sms nvr rply...n wen finali asked whr is he...he said he was with 1 of his homies....gosh...smells sumtink fishy sumhw...shld i stick 2 mi gut feelin' or shld i let it slip??i doubt his wit his homies...feels lk his wit sum1 bt definitely nt her...i jz wana noe e truth ttz all...is tt so much 2 ask 4??gosh...frm 8pm bcum 8.30pm...n @ 8.45pm sms gona leave in 10mins time....@ 9.15pm is stil sumwhr quiet...wtf???seriously....y cnt jz say we'l get ur stuff tml n 2dae jz change $ instead of sayin' tml stil cn get rite....wth....gosh....so mani things 2 do tml....mit e dealer tml...then wana gt mi stuff tml...then wen can hv sum peaceful dinner 2gthr??gosh.....

y muz u owaez spoil mi mood???seriously......wt e hel is wrong wit u??so freakin' tired of al e f**kin' bulshit!!i wish i can read ur mind so tt i can jz gt mi ass off ur world....

arghh!!!!!!!!

no mood friday

cnt blieve it's friday n im stuck @ home coz evry1 is bz n onc aint wana mit mi...haiz...work lil sux s usual due 2 e same person....then wen 4 waxin' in twn n met mumi @ novena 4 dinner n wen home...wen u hv no mood it juz killz u dwn mentally & physically.....even e food tt u take doesnt taste gd coz no appetite 2 eat....reach home, wash up, pray then decided to take a stroll dwn e normal path 2 e beach.........

im so worried tt al tiz iz gona lead 2 depression.....nt tinkin' too much bt its lk frm insomnia then lost of appetite then no mood.....gosh...n e bez part is due to al tiz strez e time of e mth is delayed...haiz...hope it'l cum 2nite or tml...

nw bk 2 onc coz his oso 1 of e reason im tiz wae....im confused....i reli wana noe y doesnt he wana mit mi bt instead mit up wit his frenz...i noe e particular fren is reli ur gdfren bt stil?wtf!sumhw i wish they din even cum bother lukin' him up...coz al they do was make mi life miserable or shall i say our relationship bcum relationshit....!!!!!bt then again...things hapen 4 a reason.....


n lazly nw im tinkin' onc is gona mit mi tml a nt.....?since he said he isnt i wonder hu is he gona hangout wit?i tink its e gdfren uh since she's single mingle....if its reli e case then a big 'OUCH!' bt then again hv 2 endure rite til end e trip....sigh....newae feel so lazie 2 type oredi so guez tiz iz al 4 nw...

nitez....

work & lub continues...

2dae work was so so...im very worried actually that MW wld scold me tml due to the defer case and also the transfer of course...bcoz the case was since 9 mar..haiz...im so worried she mite say im sittin' on it coz its e end of e mth...haiz....it bother's mi alot coz im so worried she'l blame mi...haiz....wen 2 vivian b4 leaving e office bt sigh....she oso cnt do netink coz e defer case is btwn mi n PE...n transfer case is btwn mi n MW's bestie.....argh...!!!wen wil al e shit @ work cum 2 an end....or shal i say shit in life...

n itz thursday nite n im @ home tinkin' wil i c him tml? hmmz...i reli duno n i doubt he'l mit mi tml.....for the past 2days his been actin' differently....no doubt he din hola mi up ytdae nite wen he said he wld bt he did leave a miz kal thou...n he even sms mi in e mrg 2 apologies 4 nt kalin' mi 2 kiz mi gdnite b4 i sms him...hmmz....im so afraid this is another rebound moment 4 him 2wards mi...so tired if its true....

he did told mi on tues nite tt he aint gona mit mi on saturday coz he hv soccer?soccer on sat??4 real???s much s i 1 2 blieve its true another part of mi have e hesitation 2 do so...coz e laz time he told mi he have soccer session with his bro, he actually wen club wit his guyfrenz...haiz....sat is our day bt i duno hw he cn jz say no 2 mi...perhaps his jz nt tt into mi nemore..sum1 reminded mi nt 2 assume stuff bt sumhw mi guts r always true so hw cn i nt blieve?haiz...so which 1 shld i blieve?another non-stop confusion...

i duno if i shld make e song tt ive composed 4 him these few days...?was tinkin' it cld reli b e laz time we're so called celebratin' anni....mite s wel jz give al tt i hv...hd plans 2 cook 4 him his fav. dish tt i nvr did cooked b4..i duno if its worth doin' so a nt...bt i do rmbr wt ppl said...giv e bez shot coz u'l nvr noe wen is e nxt time u cn do it....haiz....

i wish i c e future so i  noe hw 2 overcome any situation...haiz...
mentally tired....

e drug 2 ma desease....

early in e mrg tummy hurts...gosh..felt so draggy....thk god i manage 2 reach office despite e tummyache...

work was so so 2day bt s usual....got scolded by I77LLI a lil wen its nt my fault at all AGAIN!!!argh!!!!hw wld i noe changing the course name wld affect the previous year student?gosh....it's e 2nd time abt FPS which i get e blame 4 no reason....wth........she shld b e 1 informing me about it otherwise hw wld i noe...gosh...nearly 4yrs of experience is obviously beta than a 7mths xperience person rite?duh....N i finali realize she is a childish person....gosh....mad wit ppl stil cn put it inmsn than block e person.....My gosh..hw old r u again????super duper childish!!
*grow up lady!* ure oredi 30plus so behave like 1...Even ppl younger than are more mature in this situation....

newae b4 left work, dut actuali told mi 2 listen 2 Justin Bieber - that shld be me...its totally e song tt is 4 onc...lyric is reli meaningful...after listenin' 2 it bcame emo 4 awhile....

s'peciali tiz few lines in e song....

Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't!

& also

I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!!!  

E lyrics totally have a super duper indeed a dip meanin' i muz sae...

newae finali......!!!!wen 2 e doc 2 hv mi prescription tat i needed all this while.....im lil hapi coz there's oni 4 pills...hw cn it b enuf wen im gona nid it 4 e nxt 3wks or so?haiz...guez 1 tablet once a wk?hmmmz......e remainin' days wld b other solution......*wink*

hopefuli it'l helped me 2 ease off mi mind thou...otherwise i may nid to go 2 e doc again.....haiz...

hmmz....guez i gtg try 2 zzz nw coz i dun tink onc wil kal mi s usual althou he did text mi quite a bit jz nw so yeah....nitey nitez bloggies

i tot it was a gr8 dae bt end up it turns out 2 b nt @ e end of it...

wen out wit onc 2 watch gnomeo&juliet...aftr tt was suppoz 2 mit dut & tek2 bt end up mittin' daya instead n wen home aftr tt...daya wasnt feelin' gd by e sound of her voice wen she called...so straight away called my my gfs to say i cnt mit them...wish i cld stay n kip her co. al nite long bt then again i cnt...hw pathetic it is wen cash isnt in favour.....n was tinkin' of mittin' dut & tek2 stil bt dut wasnt able to do so & since tek2 wit boyfie 4 karaoke sessions din felt lk joinin'...n 4 a gal lk mi hu dun do karaoke n suddenly wanting 2 do it means she's totally nt ok ttz wt i said wen tek2 wen she asked...haha...nvr wanted 2 do karaoke until lately jz feel lk doin' so coz sumhw i feel lk in a way it can make me speak out mi mind coz of e meaningful lyrics....weird eh?i noe..hahahaha...

newae i was so hapi initiali wen he said he cn mit mi earlier bt then jz wen i tot e dae wld end up a better 1 it din...sigh.....nt oni did he he nt miz kal to say he reached home bt there wasnt any smses 2 even say his too tired 2 kiz mi thru e fone at all...kal bt to no avail s wel...haiz...i reli wonder why is he doing al this....doesnt he have anymore feelin'z 4 mi or a reminder 2 him that what his doing is just stabbin' mi heart wit his actions?gosh.....

I wish thr's an xpreso 2 b taken in order for me to avoid feelin' lk tiz...

2dae wen i woke up i jz felt lk droppin' him a 'muackzz' msg instead of usual gdmorning msg n he did rplied jz 'muackz'....i wish he'd say y he didnt done e miz kal tingy n rply 2 mi sms bt i guez i'l jz let it slip again...aftral his workin' 2dae n i dun1 2 spoil his day or either way coz i hv limited time wit him left...given e fact tt aftr PD we're goin' separate ways i wish he'd treat me beta...n again im letting evrything 2 slip through each time i realized i hv limited him left..
 
I understd tt his bz wit work bt i dun gt it despite being bz, he stil can hv e time 2 go into fb n leavin' msgs on his profile then y cnt he msg mi....?haiz....it hurts alot especiali wen im his gf stil at tiz moment...we've gt no trust then nw communication is goin' dwn e drain....

n apparently today he said he wld b accompanying mi 2 buy mi stuff bt i duno if he'd cancel it...hmmz...lets c if i get to see him again 2dae..sumhw i doubt tt we'l b mittin' bt let jz c wt hapenz nxt....

gona do lil house chores so tt i can kip mi mind bz.....meanwhile....e song of 'bila cinta didusta' is in mi mind nw...(e song tt he played wen he knew hassan was contactin' mi) e song nw seems 2 b on a repeat playlist coz ttz wt im feelin' nw....y choose me wen u stil hv a feelin' 4 her n cnt let her go? :'(

e life of tinkerbel....work & luv

so here i am again..been'vewanting to do this for ages but never bothered till now...Guez sumhw human jz nid 2 sae it out....

So earlier in e mrg wen 2 work s usual and tinkin' e day wld b fine bt then again it din.....msg onc in e mrg s usual bt s usual no rplies...wen hola he'l jz cancel w/o gettin' bk unlez i sms him then he'l rply....n s usual hw i wish he'd jz spare a min or two jz 2 kal n start out my dae wit a smiley 1 lk he did 1 yr plus ago bt he din instead he he sa yhe nid 2 kal customer n then i saw he left a message in fb sayin' his smokin'..wen i sms him sincerely sayin' if he cnt kal then nvm jz let mi noe, he replied 'wait..wait...cnt wait isit.....gosh...i sincerely sms him tt wae bt end up gettin' tt rply frm him....haiz...

Then there was lunchie wit department coz HQ was goin' on maternity from nxt tue onwards ...tat was another crappy lunchie...s usual felt lil weird bt thk god thr was dave aka bengteck & Jamie...bt stil was lil outcast sumhw...n wt made it worst was wen i told RO tt im headin' 4 prayer she gave tt irritatin' luk of hers s usual...sumtimes i reli wonder wt did i do wrong tt she's givin' e sian face each time i ask or say something to her..lk tt wasnt enuf, aftr lunch hd 2 transfer past years documents 2 another room...while doin' so, one of the stack of documents that was tied with rafia actuali gave in and e stack of documents jz fell...n she gave tt face again...

Wth...!!!argh!!!!lk it was mi fault tt hapen....gosh....!!! 

Anyway, Just came back from JB with onc & his camp homies...wen i met him, i jz feel lk thr's a wall btwn us sumhw...bt then again i jz let it slip..in e car also we weren't tt close sumhw....i reli dunoe wt his tinkin' n i reli wish i knew...i wonder his behavin' this way coz of wt i said 'aftr PD we'l go separate ways' or his reaction is tellin'  mi tt he'd already chose 2 let me go or & b wit tt gal .....

im tryin' nt tink 2 much bt sumhw my gut feelin' is sayin' so...its reli frustratin' & mentally tirin' 2 b in tiz situation whr u r hangin'....haiz....ive gt 3more wks to go till PD...n i guez ttz al i hv left wit him since he made his decisions already by his reactions i guez....s ppl tend to say 'action speaks louder than words'

hmmz....i bet this time, mi hearts gona b broken even more than previous breakup...i hope godwill gib mi e strength to move on sooner than i expect. N hopefully can stil concentrate on my daily work& nt 2 have sleeplez nitez too..haiz......

i guez tiz is al 4 2nite....

ps ~ i wonder when wil al these shitty feelin' b ovr.. 

tinkerbel'z outz